By Hwaa Irfan
It can be an overwhelming experience when you don’t know what you want, especially when everything seems wrong. One’s whole being compels something – something undefined, but only because one has never taken serious time out to determine what is right. For far too long, one has been caught up in the tide that a system has dictated, a system that has been heavily invested into by those that pulls one’s strings. One might have seen it on screen, like so many hyperrealities on screen, and never connected it to one’s own life, but the reality is that one still feels something is seriously wrong.
For far too long one has entrained to live by comparisons, the comparison of perfection, and that ‘perfection’ is what is real. Everyone (well nearly everyone) learnt to believe in that ‘perfection’. Why else is everyone suffering: the sister who achieved her engineering degree and then got married, yet lives life in the kitchen, the brother who has never done a hard day’s work in his life but manages to pass for a level of perfection that guarantees him a job, the sister who now wants to get married because she lacks the courage to live her dream, the doctor who has a heart condition because his job demands it, the student whose brain is filled with information but knows nothing about his/herself, the sister who spends hours in front of the mirror trying to look ‘perfect’ enough before meeting the day, the husband who cannot convey love to his wife because his perception of ‘perfection’ is online, the parents who drum into their child a ‘perfection’ that makes their life miserable, the teenager who has found the easy way out of love deprivation by taking drugs and raving, the father whose whole week is spent working until he drops on the weekends to lose it all in sleep, the cousin who believes that the cosmetic surgery that they have just had done is the answer to being accepted, the professional who is driven by work, and cannot function outside of the sphere of work, and the child whose sacredness has been taken away from them because adults consider a child’s body their right, and the aunt/uncle who holds fast to the rudiments of religion without knowledge or interest in the spirit of that religion, or the uncle whose wealth buys everything but sells his soul.
Here and now as one stands at a crossroads, frustrated with this illusory ‘perfect’ world knows deep down that there is something seriously wrong, but it has become easier to go for the unattainable ‘perfection’. One has been told how to think, but not to think for one’s self, when one is sick, the doctor knows best, when one is hungry, a ready-made meal or a trip to the restaurant can solve that problem, if one needs something done, call in the service, if one gets bored go to the cinema/theatre/concert/party/holiday/ or watch a video/football match/listen to music/eat out/buy something that one does not need – the trick is to do all or any means one is obliged to have money, and to have money can be ‘legally’ done or illegally, it doesn’ t really matter if it is done illegally as long as one does not get caught. Keep going, keep trying, and as one does so one begins to find one’s sanity is up for grabs.
Is it right to live like this one asks one’s self, but without an example within one’s circle of relations how can one tell. All one really knows that one has done all of the above and one feels as if one’s life is still waiting to get started, and those around you seem to believe that their life is their own. They accept this illusion of perfection until society has decided to dispose of them, but that’s not going to happen to you although one has seen it happen again, and again, and again.
“Am I the only one who feels like this?” one says to one’s self. It can’t be as one reminds one’s self as to how many people are walking around with antidepressants, or legal/illegal drugs – it can’t be as everyone seems to avoid that all important question – it can’t be when one sees more and more people begging for a living whether professionally or as amateurs… They all feel like that but no one is talking, because to talk is to say that this problem exists, and to talk means one is living a lie.
For how much longer can it go on like this? No one hears me, no is listening, and even if some are listening, they do not dare to act on the realization. It is better to keep the mind busy, to be active, to not sit down and think, to not realize the real meaning of depression in to not be in control of one’s life – one’s education was provided for, so one does not have to think – one can be entertained at the press of a button, one does not have to worry about what kind of clothes one wears because it has all been decided by the shops, one does not have to fix/make anything, one can buy it…
But all of this stops when there is no job, or a job that takes the life out of one, and when that stops one slowly begins to realize that one cannot cook, one cannot, repair one’s shoes, one cannot buy food, one cannot entertain one’s self, one cannot make one’s self better when ill, one cannot, cannot, cannot… because one never had to learn!
One realizes all of this, but many instead ask for what has been taken away from them, ask for that excuse for a life – ask for the right to not discover who they really are…
They never had a chance to find out what they are really made of because it was all decided for them by someone or something else, but what is that something else if it is not me?
Meanwhile, a generation of Neos know that something is wrong, knows that it is unacceptable, knows what it is doing to them, their families and their friends, knows that the Matrix of their lives is a lie, a lie that has robbed far too many of their souls. Life can be better than this for everyone, it does not have to be this way, but others won’t listen, they accept their mental slavery, and without them, without defining the dream, without beginning to live that dream despite the odds, for that dream to work, it must be breathed into in order to come to life. After all, this is why the Neos exist to help the others to wake from their sleep, and to begin to see that life is not a prescription – a prescription that is the magic pill full of so many side effects!